Something Happened to the Two Towers
by Cestari
Summary: Everyone knows what happened in The Two Towers, right? Or at least they did.... Sequel to Something Happened to the Fellowship of the Ring.


****

Something Happened to the Two Towers

Grimm Wulmhung sneakily sneaked through the corridors of the Expert Horseracers horseracing building. He was on his was to see his boss, Theodore Earl, who was in the main office with his neice and nephew Ellen and Emmet.

As he opened the door, he found Emmet trying to tell Theodore about a... uh... a rival company headed by Soloman White that was trying to take over.

"Your uncle is wearied by you. You're fired."

Emmet goes away.

Several days later, Soloman's former-partner-in-company Grant Dolfe and his friends Arn Strider, Lief Green, and Gil Gloinson stop by. Grant makes Theodore stop looking like a moldy old cracker and Grimm, having been discovered for working for Soloman, drives away.

****

*meanwhile, journeying towards Ringo Smith's Terrifying Mortar Company:*

"We're lost," Sam Weiss said. "Grant didn't mean for us to come this way.

"He didn't mean to die, either, but the he got hit by the Bag-Logging truck, so that's ok," Fred Doe replied.

"Someone around here needs to take a shower cuz they smell."

"Yeah, I smell them to. We're not alone."

"Um, if someone around here needs to take a shower, then there's somepone around here, so of course we're not alone."

"Just trying to be dramatic," Fred goes. "I think it's that George Gulp guy. I stole his jewelry a few years ago and he's still after me for it."

"You didn't, your uncle Bill Bagin did."

"Whatever."

So they go to sleep and then in the middle of the night George pounces.

"Aargh!" Fred goes. "Hey Sam, help."

"Ok, Mr. Fred." Sam pulls George off Fred.

"What do we do now?"

"Tie him up with this rope we handily have handily on hand."

"Ok."

"Not around his foot, Mr. Fred. It goes around his neck."

"Not in the book it doesn't, Sam."

"But we're following the movie."

"No we're not."

"Yes we are."

"No we're not."

"Yes we are."

****

*meanwhile, in the land ruled by Ethel Lin:*

"General Fredrick Steward!"

"Yes?"

"We've found an army of elephants coming this way."

"What on earth are elephants doing in a forest?"

"No idea sir."

"Mm-hmm. Man it stinks that Branden died. Now I have to do both our work."

"Um," the other guy goes, "it doesn't help either that your father Danny Thore hates you."

"Yeah. Ok, let's go."

So they go and destroy the evil elephants and their riders and on the way back Sam bumps into Fredrick.

"Sam!" Fred goes. "You were supposed to bump into the other guy."

"I know, Mr. Fred, but the author doesn't know that guy's name, so it's easier this way."

"Oh."

"Um," Fredrick says. "Ok, put handcuffs on them."

So Fred says, "But you know, you don't do that in the book."

"But Mr. Fred, we're following the movie."

"No we're not."

"Yes we are."

"No we're not."

"Yes we are."

****

*in the forest of the Fanged Horn:*

Merry Buck and Perry Take have escaped the evil guys working for Soloman and have encountered the legendary Birchmustache

So Perry says, "I thought Mr. Cal. E. Bourne and his wife Gwendolyn Light said this was an evil forest."

"Maybe they're crazy. I've a question. If they're married, why isn't Gwendolyn's last name Bourne?"

"No idea."

****

*back at the racetrack:*

"I will not bring further death to my loyal racers."

"You're doing further death to them by not doing anything, you idiot."

"When last I looked, Theodore not Grant was the head of this company."

Then Arn says, "You're supposed to say that to me not him."

"Oops."

Then Theodore says, "I have an idea. Let's go hide in my private racetrack up on Helmet Mountain."

"Bad idea."

"I don't care; I'm not going to listen to you even though you're really smart and stuff. I'm gonna do it anyway."

"Whatever."

****

*back up north in the house of the Riven Dells:*

Elbert Ronde comes in.

"Olwen, it's time for you to leave for your retirement. You've lingered here too long."

"Daddy, I love Arn, I don't wanna go. Besides, I'm 20, I don't need to retire."

"He's gonna die you know. He's gonna die and leave you here all alone and you'll be sad and there'll be no comfort for you. Don't you love me too?"

"Not in the same way daddy."

"Well... that's a good thing actually. But you have to leave anyway. Besides, you'll end up marrying him anyway."

"I will?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

So Olwen goes and leaves.

__

Am I out of sight now?

She checks. Yup. "Mwahaha!!" Arwen pulls out the reforged Narsil and runs away to Gone Door cackeling.

****

*back in the land of Ethel Lin:*

Fredrick comes in. "Fred?"

"Mm?"

"George is outside in my koi pond trying to eat my fish. If you don't make him stop I'll shoot him"

"Go ahead!"

"Sam that's not nice."

"Sorry."

So they go outside and George is brought in.

And Fredrick says, "What are you doing in my koi pond?"

"Eating fisheses."

"I know, why?"

"I'm hungry. By the way, have you seen a guy named Fred? He stole my jewelry."

"Did he now?"

"Yessss preciousss."

So Fredrick goes to Fred.

"George said you have jewelry. Is it-"

"NO!!!!"

"What?"

"Sorry," Sam says. "He does that sometimes."

"General," a guy says as he comes in. "The town of Old Gills Sack is under attack by Ringo Smith's forces."

"Ok, let's go."

****

*now we return to Helmet Mountain:*

"Theodore, we're outnumbered 1 to 33."

"That's ok, just send some 9 year olds and some 80 year olds out there to fight and it'll be ok."

"Wait."

"What? Don't you think that'll work?"

"It should work fine, it's just that the author suddenly realised something."

"What?"

"She left out Gabriel Finde. You know, the one who rescued Fred?"

"Oops. Um... hey! Wait a minute! There he is by the door! Hey Gabriel, how are you!"

"I can't believe I nearly got left out AGAIN."

"Yeah, well. That's life."

Big big battle here, in which Hal Deere dies. And at the end Emmet comes back and helps save the day.

"Who are you?" Arn asks Mr. Finde.

"Gabriel. I saved Frodo in the first book."

"No you didn't! Olwen did!"

"That's in the movie."

"But aren't we following the movie?"

"No we're...."

****

*back with Merry and Perry:*

"Nope. Sorry, we won't help in this war."

"You know, Soloman killed a bunch of your friends."

"Did he now??!!! AaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

A bunch of other Giants like Birchmustache come.

"Attaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!"

****

*now, with Fred in Old Gills Sack:*

"We won the battle. You can go now."

"Really General Steward?"

"Yeah. It seems like I'm gonna have to die for doing this, but you can."

"Thanks."

They leave... with George plotting revenge....

Mwahahaha!!!


End file.
